Columbo at the White House

Great post by Ed Driscoll.  

Hey, this White House sure is a nice place! The wife sees pictures of this place on TV all the time and says boy she wishes she had digs like this you know? Is that painting real? Really? Wow. I saw something like that in a museum once!

 Oh, sorry sir. I didn’t mean to get off the track. So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some details, I will get right out of your way. I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Coney Island or something. Ever been to Coney Island? No, I didn’t think so…

Well, listen, anyways, I can’t seem to get some information I need to wrap this up. These things seem to either be ‘locked’ or ‘not available’. I’m sure it’s just some oversight or glitch or something, so if you could you tell me where these things are… … …have them written down here somewhere… oh wait. Sorry about the smears. It was raining out. I’ll just read it to you.

Could you help me please find these things, sir?

1. Occidental College records and transcripts — Not released
2. Columbia University records and transcripts — Not released
3. Columbia Thesis paper — ‘not available’
4. Harvard University records and transcripts — Not released
RIA5. Selective Service Registration — Not released
6. Medical records — Not released
7. Illinois State Senate schedule — ‘not available’
8. Law practice client list — Not released
9. Written correspondence with B. Ayers, R. Khalidi, E. Said, J. Wright, etc. — Not released
10. Embossed, signed paper Birth Certificate — Not released
11. Harvard Law Review articles published — None
12. University of Chicago scholarly articles — None
13. Record of Baptism — Not released or ‘not available’
14. Illinois State Senate records — ‘not available’

.Oh hey… listen! I know you are busy! Is this too much for you now? I mean tell you what. I will come back tomorrow. Give you some time to get these things together, you know? I mean, I know you are busy, so I will just let myself out. I will be back tomorrow. And the day after…  

‘Who wants to know these things?’ asks President Obama.

The American People, answers Columbo.